Confessions of an Heiress

Hello My Name Is Mommy - 4

I run towards the nursery

Atlas please be there. Atlas please be okay.

My heart. My heart. I can't feel my heart.

He's there. He's asleep. He's still there.

Breathe. Just Breathe.

I pick him up. I have to hold him. I have to know he's ok.

I smell his sweet baby smell. I feel the warmth of his little body. This is the only thing that makes it ok.

He makes his little smacking noises and tries to suck on my shoulder.

I get him a bottle and I sing his favorite song

If I had words, to make a day for you
I'd sing you a morning golden and new
I would make this day last for all time
Give you a night deep in moonshine.

And he goes back to sleep. Like nothing ever happened.

I never expected to feel like this. So much love, so much fear. All for this little person. And he has no idea.

I always thought people lost their mind when they had a baby. All of a sudden they can't talk about anything else. Diapers, strollers, carseats, and scary stories about evil nannies. I don't think that's exactly what happened to me. I still enjoy my job, and I really enjoy my husband. But I never expected to be so consumed with irrational fears of things like... werewolves. I didn't know he would be so important to me. I actually care what happens to the little guy.

Ok. That sounded bad. Of course I care what happens to him. But it's more than that. It's like... it's like my heart is outside my body now. For the rest of my life my heart is going to go walking around inside that little boy. And there isn't anything I can do about it. There isn't anything I want to do about it. It's ok if you think I've lost my mind. I'm resigned to that. But I think I've lost my heart - or rather - I've given it away.

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