The Next Generation

I just love the smell of babies. There's nothing sweeter. Really, there isn't. Mmmmmm! It's like you can inhale their innocence.

 

Look at him Robi. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful???

Oh, he's the cutest Legalos baby ever, I'm sure. Except for you, of course, sweetheart. Oh look. I think he's gonna smile at me! Who's a big boy? Who's a big boy??

 

Oh no! Robi! Something's wrong. I think I broke him! Quick! Call an ambulance!

 

Oh Robi. I told you this was a bad idea. I'm no good with babies. Oh what have I gotten myself into??? I'm not ready for this!

 

Look! I think it's having a seizure! Oh I knew something like this was going to happen! Robi!!!

 

What's the matter in here? Did your Aunt Caliopie break you already James?

 

I'm sorry Plato, I was just holding him and all of a sudden he started screaming and convulsing. Oh I'll never be able to forgive myself! I think Robi scared him when he played peek-a-boo. I read it's not good for young babies to be startled.

Cali, relax, he's fine. He just downloaded into his pants.

Are you sure? I mean, he was screaming and convulsing. Maybe you should call a doctor, just in case.

 

Your Auntie Caliopie has a lot to learn before she becomes a mommy, doesn't she little James? You just don't like to be stinky do you?

Plat, I don't know how you can do that!

 

What, change a diaper? I can do it one handed sis. Really, it's no big deal. The secret is lots of powder. See? He's all better now!

Now I'll put on some Llama tunes for him and he'll go right to sleep. Meet me downstairs and Kissimmie and I will tell you the whole birth story.

Birth story? (gulp) Are you sure he's not bleeding in his brain or something?

Well, did you drop him?

No!

Hit him on the head with something?

Of course not.

Then he's not bleeding in his brain. Go downstairs and try to relax. I think you're the one about to have a seizure!

 

 

Kissimmie! You look awesome. I can't believe you just had a baby.

 

I thought we'd tell 'em our birth story, Kiss, you know, so they know what to expect when it's their turn.

I'm not taking a turn.

You have to. Now be quiet and listen, you might learn something.

Well, we were upstairs in our bedroom...

Are you sure you want to talk about this? Because I really don't need to know what goes on in there.

And I was painting a portrait of Kissimmie's pregnant form. Being pregnant is so sexy.

Oh Plato.....

So I'm painting, and Kissmmiee gets up to stretch. And then I hear her yell.

It HURTS!!!!!!

Are you sure you should be telling me this? Because it does not make me want to have a baby.

So Kiss is holdin' her stomach and screaming, and I'm like 'Hang on, I think I'm supposed to boil something'

And then there's this noise, like a 'pop'

I can't believe you're telling me this, and yet you expect me to do it someday.

And then, like all of a sudden, there he is. All perfect and everything.

He has my dad's green eyes.

Yeah, Kiss' dad, Kryton, he has real cool green eyes.

Ok, just scream and 'pop' and he's there?

Yeah, mostly.

And I'm all like "Go little Dude! You rock son!" Man. I was never so excited. So then, of course we had to call up the grandparents and invite them over.

Then Kissimmee tells me "Here, you hold him while I go get dressed, and try to think of a name" And I'm like "Little dude, you need a name. We can't just call you 'dude' can we? So I'm thinkin, next to his mother, he's the best thing I've ever seen. And then I'm thinkin about all the best things in my life, you know. I mean, we could call him Llama, but the little dude might get kind of confused, you know? And then like I know what to call him. I'll call him James. James is the best band I've ever heard. They sing that song about 'this bed is on fire' that Llama Mama covered. Yeah. So I named him James, after the very best band.

 

Ok little James. Are you ready to meet your grandparents?

So Kissimmie's mom, Carmen. She comes in and says "Give me that baby. You've got to feed him something" and she hooks little James up with his first bottle.

I have no idea what they put in those green bottles, but little James really digs it. He drank it down in one big shot.

Then Grandma Kaylynn shows up, and she's like "Here, let me burp him." I was sure little James was gonna spew all over her pink sweater, but he must like her, cause he didn't.

 

Then Grandpa Socrates and Grandpa Kryton came over, and Grandpa Kryton was real happy 'bout little James having his green eyes. My dad looked like he'd been handling babies all his life, he wasn't even nervous.

 

Kissimmie's older brother, Kingsley stopped by to check out the new little dude. Kissimmie was really happy, she hasn't seen him since he went away to college. He ended up dropping out though, he married some short chick and they have twins. He looked tired.

 

But anyhow. That's Kryton and Carmen, Kissimmie's parents. Kissimmie has one more brother, he's younger, his name is Kip, but he could't come over because he had swim practice. This was the first time I'd met them, except for when I was a kid, but the first time since their daughter ran away with me. But they were cool about it though. I invited Kryton to come to one of our shows sometime. He owns a chain of coffee bars, he used to be a Barista, so he promised to buy me a grande latte something. It's all good.

 

Even the Llamas came to check James out. I think James digs the Llamas.

 

So anyway. That's how my little dude, James, came into the world.

 

And I know that when he grows up, he's gonna be as awesome as the band he was named for. Rock on Little James. Rock on.

 

 

 

 

Episode 6: Welcome to Babyland

Confessions Menu